Tuesday, October 27, 2009

It is almost Halloween

I can't believe that we are at the end of October already. Some days when I am alone it feels like the days will never pass. Some times it feels like I can't make it another day when the pain is too bad. Some times the days pass like a dim blur hardly recognizing that I was in one at all. I have not been feeling very well emotionally and when I have those times I just kind of fold up into myself. I can't believe I haven't posted since the 9th of October. A lot has been going on within my extended family and it tends to wear on me even though I try for it not to. I would be completely numb and in denial if I said that it didn't affect me. The weather has turned to cold now with the beautiful colors all around. The colors comfort me like a soft special blanket just like seeing an old friend again. I am most comfortable with this time of year. I don't have to make any excuses for not going somewhere. It seems that others are tolerant of my need to stay indoors because of the cold damp weather. Whereas when it is spring or summer they seem to feel that I am just depressed and don't want to go out. This couldn't be any farther from the truth. I love the spring, but the allergies don't love my lupus. I love the summer, but the summer doesn't love my lupus. It is like having to learn to live with many personalities. Who can I be this fall or winter? Who will I meet this year? I have many doctor appointments and procedures in the next few months to try and correct/find out what they can do to help with some symptoms and issues that I have been dealing with for the past six months. I hope that the "simple" procedures will actually be "simple". This isn't my track record, but I am trying to keep a positive outlook as much as I can. I am sorry to say that I am seeing the cup as half empty today. Maybe tomorrow?

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