Thursday, June 4, 2009

First Going Away-Got My Lupus Packed

Well this has been the first trip for me in two years. I have barely been getting to the store for meds, etc. and doctor visits. Well I am taking my first leap because I made a promise a long time ago to my little girl that I would never miss her 21st birthday. This promise was made prior to any knowledge of what had been cooking inside my immune system. All I can say is that I am not going to let my diseases and illnesses keep me from a promise that I had made to my girl. Yes, I am scared. I am afraid of ending up in the hospital away from my specialists. I am afraid that everyone will be too busy asking me if I am o.k. I am afraid that I will be disappointed in myself if I can't do all that I had dreamed of for her to make her day special. I can't let all the negative feelings drown me in my own sorrow, but I will do something I find very hard to do and that is to depend on them and not fault them or feel angry at myself for not being a healthy person. I so wanted to dance with her and I am unable to do that now. I will try and hide my pain inside and spend the days after recuperating. I have had such a hard time even packing, that the rest of my daughters are walking on eggshells as to not get me upset. I am having a hard time with remembering and I spent two hours today counting and recounting over 15 prescriptions to be sure that I had the appropriate amount. That made me angry and the night has been very difficult to say the least. I told myself that I would rest today, but who was I kidding. It has been a long time since I have been on a trip, but I never forget what is involved in the preparation. I definitely didn't act, do, or treat anyone the best way possible. I don't know how many times I can say that I am sorry before it just becomes a regularly empty used word. I don't want that to happen. Wish me luck and my family luck with having to deal with me and all of my limitations and ailments.

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